the nerves that follow BETA two.
This is the continuation of our gestational carrier/IVF success journey.
After our first successful BETA and some celebrations the tone at our house went back to being one of sobering reality. That a first BETA is only the first step of many, many, many more hurdles to pass before our baby was as safe as any other.
After our GC got her vampire work (blood draw) for the second BETA we waited what felt like hours for results. Finally, a call, while the results were within normal doubling rate range, the kicker was they weren’t as high as they like to normally see. The numbers were in the 2100s, they wanted to see 2400. What followed was several days of stress, fear and anxiety. We had to wait for the ultrasound to check for the gestational sac. It was nerve-wracking to say the least.
After everything we’d been through we knew to assume nothing. We couldn’t let ourselves assume the pregnancy would pan out or that everything would be okay. There were too many deep wounds keeping us from feeling like we could truly relax. The three of us, me, our GC and The Edder all attended the first ultrasound to check for the gestational sac.
As my GC and I waited in the ultrasound room (and the edder in the waiting room) my palms were sweating and I felt like I was going to vomit. My GC, of course, was as calm and collected as she could be. She, the one on all the hormones and carrying the baby, perfectly calm. I held my breath as the Dr. checked my GC’s womb where she did indeed see a gestational sac. And a fetal pole measuring perfectly at 5 weeks, 5 days. Right on schedule for where the embryo should be according to our transfer date.
While there were tears of relief as I walked out with an ultrasound photo to show my nurses and The Edder there was still the pang of worry that had been there for weeks. The underlying fear that something will still go terribly wrong. Despite the joy and seeing our little embryo growing perfectly, I couldn’t let myself believe it would be okay. The walls were up, protection mode was in full swing. After everything we’d been through who could blame us for being incredibly worried something might still go badly.
With that ultrasound came the call from the Pasadena fertility clinic that everything looked really, really good. Their exact words. Then the instructions for our GC to continue her nightly shots and to make an appointment for a 6 week, 4-day ultrasound. The ultrasound where we would likely see the heartbeat.
I thought our 10-day wait to see if the embryo stuck was long. That week, waiting for the next ultrasound? That was pure torture.
While I cry on my own quite a bit I’m not one to break down in front of anyone other than my husband or therapist. But that week during a bible study, next to my GC and the women who know our story and have been supporting us endlessly, I broke down. Through my tears, I cried that all I wanted was to see my baby’s heartbeat. It was heart wrenching, but crying with a group of women I trust and love brought me a level of peace over I hadn’t felt in weeks.
Hurdle number two down, four more to go.